


If it all goes wrong (darling just hold on)

by Ambros



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, But I'm honestly rubbish at judging that so, Hurt/Comfort, I think Alec is a bit OOC, Like, M/M, Panic Attacks, So sorry if he is, Spoilers!, not explicit but there's one, post 2x05
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-31
Updated: 2017-01-31
Packaged: 2018-09-21 05:26:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9533726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ambros/pseuds/Ambros
Summary: Magnus says: -Alec,- like he always does, and Alec's eyes snap up to him, only then does he realize that he's been staring at the ground, his fists tight against his legs. Magnus says, gently: -Come out of there,- gesturing elegantly at his forehead.But Alec is still wearing his white suit and white is all he can see – the white of the sheets covering the bodies, the white of the souls leaving this world, the white of Clary's dress, and he can't control this pain and doesn't know what to do with it, doesn't know how to let it go, he doesn't even have his bow and quiver.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Heh, it's me. Again. With another prompt from Frah, who basically asked me to write something about Alec telling Magnus about the freaking creepy warlock and about Madzie, and Magnus is worried that Alec might be disgusted by the girl, but Alec was actually endeared and disgusted by the situation because Madzie was just a child. Which is why I wrote tons of angst that really have nothing to do with the prompt.  
> As usual, English isn't my first language, so do point out any mistakes you might find!  
> I hope you enjoy this, please let me know what you think!
> 
> Title is from Just hold on by Louis Tomlinson & Steve Aoki.
> 
> Until next time! :)

Magnus' door opens before Alec has actually reached it, and Alec is unbelievably thankful for it, because his head hurts and his eyes are burning and dry and he just feels like sleeping, like letting go of everything even if just for a few minutes, and it scares him like _hell_ because that's not what Alec does, he doesn't _run_ , he fights and loses but he _stays_.

Magnus lets him in and doesn't say anything and Alec thinks he probably wants to, probably wants to call him an idiot for trying to help Clary, the same way he had when Alec was trying to find Jace no matter what, but Magnus doesn't say anything. Alec almost wants him to, wants someone to call him out on it, on the way he's been able to go wrong, _again_ , even when he was trying to fix something.

Magnus says: -Alec,- like he always does, and Alec's eyes snap up to him, only then does he realize that he's been staring at the ground, his fists tight against his legs. Magnus says, gently: -Come out of there,- gesturing elegantly at his forehead.

But Alec is still wearing his white suit and white is all he can see – the white of the sheets covering the bodies, the white of the souls leaving this world, the white of Clary's dress, and he can't control this pain and doesn't know what to do with it, doesn't know how to let it go, he doesn't even have his bow and quiver.

Magnus' voice breaks through the thick wall of thoughts he feels he's imprisoned in, softly, -Alec, I need you to come sit for a second,- and the lightest pressure against the small of his back until he's sitting on the couch.

- _Breathe_ ,- Magnus says, a touch of magic through his voice, and Alec blinks, suddenly realizes he is breathing too fast, too shallow, takes a deep breath and his cheeks are wet, _when –_ when did that happen?, he doesn't – _doesn't want to_ –

Strong fingers wrap around his wrists because his palms are pressed against his face, Magnus is kneeling in front of him and says: -It's okay, just keep breathing, it's fine.-

-I'm – - he tries to say, but it's like he's breathing out of rhythm, -I'm sorry,- he manages, barely, and Magnus' eyes grow incredibly sad as Alec says: -She wasn't _supposed_ to die,- because she really wasn't, she was supposed to be _safe_ in the Institute, and how is it _fair_?

Magnus doesn't answer, keeps rubbing small circles on his wrists with his thumbs, but Alec knows he'd say _it never really is._

*

(It's not simple guilt, it's also – how is Alec allowed to feel like this, how is he allowed to grieve because he feels like _he_ 's lost something too.

And Magnus says _you're always entitled to your pain_ , fingers moving slowly over his hands, _if something causes you pain, how selfish can you really be?_ )

*

-There was a child,- Alec says, when he doesn't have anything else to say and they've been quiet for awhile – and he's sure Magnus has a million things to do but he's still sitting next to him. -A girl. The warlock took her with her. I think she was younger than Max. She was a warlock too.-

Magnus watches him – doesn't look at him, _watches_ him, his fingers still on Alec's skin.

-I didn't – That _place_ – It was _awful_ , and I _couldn't – - save her_. He feels like he hasn't been able to do much of it lately.

Magnus is extremely still next to him, his back straight.

And Alec thinks about how he's made her smile and says: -She had the coolest gills.-, this weird, tired smile curling his lips.

Magnus exhales like he's been holding his breath, smiles softly: -That's nice.-

-Yeah,- Alec sighs, and then says: -Today I'm just – exhausted. By how the world works.-

Magnus lets out half a chuckle, bitter and tired and sad, and says: -That's okay.-


End file.
